nicoverse

3/8/2024 我差點在墨西哥的海灘小鎮，休克。

從airbnb離開兩分鐘的路程，我很明顯感覺自己越來越不對，開始聽不到聲音、視覺開始有眩光、快速地感覺到血液正在從腦中離開的感覺。

我告訴Karan我感覺不對，我們站在人行道上，我抓住他。

下一妙，我的意識就飛到完全不同的地方。我現在完全想不起來到底當時我看到什麼，但我知道都只是一些很日常的互動，就是我跟Karan的日常，兩人的互動跟對話。但是很安心、開心的畫面。沒想到我這麼活在當下，就連瀕死看到的內容都這麼的日常。

然後我聽到他叫我的名字，我努力的醒過來。據說我暈倒了20至30秒。

對他是有滿滿的歉意的。我很抱歉，這是第四次這樣發作，第二次失去意識。但同時也很慶幸是他在旁邊，所以我可以安心的不舒服，因為我知道他可以信任。我們在路邊休息了好一陣字，我感覺好一點後嘗試走回家。跟前幾次不同，這次我才走了不到一百公尺，就知道自己撐不下去了，只能繼續坐在路邊。最後終於成功上計程車回家。回到家後，我一倒就是五個小時。其中有三個小時是很痛苦的：全身都痛，肢體末端因為缺血而痛、頭也嗡嗡作響、心臟每跳一下都很痛（有可能是所謂的『angina心絞痛』）。休息了五小時後，終於有辦法爬起來吃東西。但接下來的時間，我能明確感覺到身體很虛、不對勁。一直到50小時後的現在，我都還是能明確感覺到身體不對。

身體的不適是沒辦法的。但心理的感受很有趣。

首先，在路邊時，我很難受。我看著自己的手完全變成黃色，而且感覺得到整個手臂都因為缺血痛到不行。但心理呢？我沒有特別的難過或是害怕。即便是我躺在床上休息最難過的三小時，心理上也沒有太多的感受，很平靜。唯一想的是：『啊，之後必須要告訴Karan，如果發生事情，聯絡Claire才能通知我的家人。』

沒有孤單、難過、生氣、憤怒、怨恨…沒有任何的負面情緒。也沒有『啊，我的生命就到這邊了嗎？』這樣的想法。很單純的，發生就發生了。

事發後當晚，我開玩笑的跟朋友說『今天差一點就要跨越那個門了』，或許這不是開玩笑。或許這是我的保護機制，在反映事實：我當下真的差點死了。

接下來，昨天雖然身體還是不舒服，我硬拖著身體打起精神、一早上健身房。在健身的時候可以明確知道自己的心血管還是承受不住太多的壓力。但這沒有打擊我的信心，一樣非常平和的感受。中午見到Taco Couple，一樣覺得開心，回到Basic Foodies開開心心的喝咖啡。散步後反而對人生有一個不同的想法。以下是我的Journal：

3/9/2024

I got the hat back. A very cute color. Sometimes losing something means getting something better back. Might feel awkward initially, might need to adjust the color scheme of my wardrobe, but the awkwardness would pass and the new hat would fit perfectly again.

I really felt that I almost died yesterday. I try to recall what I saw before I came out from fainting. I don’t remember, but it was a very happy memory, just Karan & I was going to do something, some daily stuff. But it was very happy even in cute pastel rainbow color. Karan is a blessing in my life. I am so lucky to have him in my life now. I am so glad my life as is. It’s the best version, even beyond my imagination. No, I don’t feel lonely, and I don’t think I’ll ever feel lonely, at least not in this relationship. And no, it wasn’t scary nor weird. Even the feeling was happy. I still think if possible, if our relationship progresses, I’d be glad to have a kid for him, and that might be the sweetest thing ever in my life.

Almost like euphoric feeling.

好多事情突然都不太重要了。工作、成就、金錢，全都變得不重要了。

回頭想想，去年我看到自己在手術台上死掉，死之前最後一句話是『I am so scared』，我可以想像，我看到的情景是我還有很多遺憾，有一個很小的孩子以及一個剛出生的寶寶，身為母親一定很想看孩子長大。但可能因為生命狀態不同，我現在並沒有孩子，唯一的毛孩子正在幸福的跟一個可靠的對象生活。所以我反而可以很坦然，沒有遺憾。（當然如果回頭思考所有物質世界的事情，是有很多遺憾，太多事都沒有安排好。）

我想，我已經對自己的生命付出最大的努力。

在床上掙扎的三小時，唯一一個讓我掛念的是那個根本還不存在的孩子Samuel。我內心想著，我希望他還是能來到世上，能當個快樂的孩子，我想要看著他長大。我希望他能不嫌棄這個體弱的媽媽，能牢牢地抓住我，降生在這個世上。該說母愛真偉大嗎？這是一個很奇怪的念頭，我對於一個還為出生根本不存在的孩子，默默地跟不存在的他對話、也為了他跟天主祈禱，祈求天主看顧我的子宮，讓我很少很少的血盡量去子宮，以免有任何的萬一有一個卵子試著在子宮著床。就在那一瞬間，我也想了，如果真的現在當下懷孕了，我應該也會決定要生下來當個媽媽。我不願意也不想要有任何機會錯過他。

在瀕死後，我最在意的竟然是這個不存在的孩子。

之前一直很困擾我、在感情中的不安全感，在當時、甚至到現在，完全不在我腦中。那些念頭變得一點都不重要了。負面情緒也不重要了，如果當下我不開心，那我選擇當下做出行為。

如果有一天我真的懷孕，孩子的爸也能夠跟我一樣興奮的期待這個孩子的出生，那我會把這一切的故事跟心路歷程都告訴他。我會告訴他，這段時間在這些艱難的時間點，竟然是這個未出生的孩子讓我有了動力要繼續活下來，而不是隨著簡單舒服的道路，走到另一個世界。

關於大部分對於催眠的印象：

1. 催眠師會叫你睡覺，在你睡覺的時候問你一些你平常不敢面對的問題

2. 你可以看到前世的記憶

3. 催眠師可以控制你做出你不想做的事

ENFJ

Below are the four mental processes, from the most prominent (dominant) to the least (inferior) for ENFJ personality type:

• Dominant process – Extraverted Feeling (Fe)
• Auxiliary process – Introverted Intuition (Ni)
• Third – Sensing —> Third processes are least impactful, hence I’ll skip them in most of my writings.
• Inferior process – Introverted Thinking

Navigating the Optimal State: The Role of Fe and Ni in Decision-Making

Dominant Function – Extraverted Feeling (Fe)

In my optimal state, Extraverted Feeling (Fe) is my primary instinct. This function plays a critical role in my decision-making process, allowing me to synthesize and respond to the information I absorb. With Fe, I naturally gravitate towards understanding and aligning with the harmony and preferences of the group, often setting aside my personal preferences.

Auxiliary Function – Introverted Intuition (Ni)

Following Fe, my secondary function is Introverted Intuition (Ni). After receiving information, predominantly through the emotional and feeling states of others, I process and organize these inputs internally. I strive to construct a mental model rooted in the values, thoughts, and feelings of those around me. This internal orientation means I'm more inclined to keep these insights to myself, sharing less openly.

The Interplay and Misinterpretation of Fe and Ni

When Fe and Ni work in tandem, it creates a unique dynamic. To outsiders, it might seem as though I lack distinct personal values, opinions, or preferences. This combination also leads me to prioritize others’ needs over my own, often overlooking my own feelings and desires. This self-neglect can lead to internal stress, particularly when my own needs remain unseen or unmet. I yearn for my needs to be acknowledged or, ideally, to align with others' preferences.

Shift to Introverted Thinking (Ti) Under Stress

In situations of extreme stress or isolation, my focus shifts to Introverted Thinking (Ti). This function, being the least developed in line with my natural preferences, usually remains dormant. However, in a prolonged environment where intrapersonal harmony is essential, I may overemphasize Ti, leading others to perceive me as excessively logical and analytical. This shift can result in harsh self-criticism and doubts about my competence.

Adaptation in Prolonged Stress: The ENFJ-ENTJ Shift

An additional point to note is that in prolonged stress or challenging lifestyles, an ENFJ might exaggerate the Thinking function (Ti), externally manifesting it more prominently. This response can cause an ENFJ to appear as an ENTJ, serving as a protective mechanism. It becomes easier to navigate the world without the constant need to maintain organizational harmony; thus, the focus of feeling shifts inward (towards Fi).

Comparative Analysis of ENFJ and ENTJ Under Stress

ENFJ's typical mental processes are primarily Fe, followed by Ni, and finally Ti. Under extreme and prolonged stress, this order appears to shift to Te (Extraverted Thinking), Ni, and Fi, mirroring the cognitive functions of an ENTJ. This phenomenon explains why ENFJs may behave and act like ENTJs in stressful environments or when engaged in tasks that contradict their natural strengths for extended periods. The balancing of inward and outward energy through this process switch allows an ENFJ to function in an ENTJ mode for a long duration without immediate awareness of the underlying shift.

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The Intriguing Case of Introverted Types in Crisis: The INFP Example

A fascinating aspect of introverted personality types is their tendency to “extravert” their fourth function under stress. This phenomenon often leads to misunderstandings, as introverts may be perceived as extroverts due to their increased vocalization of their fourth function.

Normal Functioning of INFP

Typically, an INFP operates with the following cognitive functions: 1) Fi (Introverted Feeling), 2) Ne (Extraverted Intuition), and 4) Te (Extraverted Thinking). This functional stack guides their decision-making and interaction with the world.

INFP Under Stress: Mimicking ENTJ

However, when INFPs are in the grip of stress, their functional order appears to shift dramatically. They start to manifest behaviors akin to an ENTJ, which is a stark contrast to their natural state. The functional order in this stressed state presents as 1) Te (Extraverted Thinking), 2) Ne (Extraverted Intuition), and 1) Fi (Introverted Feeling). At first glance, this may resemble the ENTJ's functional stack (Te, Ni, Fi).

In this state, both the dominant and auxiliary functions of the INFP are oriented outwardly, exaggerating the extraverted expression. As a result, INFPs may become highly critical, assertive, and vocal about their values and thoughts, sometimes to the point of appearing argumentative. They may start imposing structure and prioritizing their own needs, often neglecting the feelings of others or the group's harmony. This behavior is a marked departure from their usual empathetic and harmonious nature.

The Unsustainability of the Crisis Mode

This outward push of energy, while a protective response to crisis, is inherently unsustainable for the INFP. The overemphasis on extraverted functions creates an imbalance, as it diverges significantly from their natural inclination towards introverted feeling and intuition. Consequently, INFPs cannot maintain this mode for an extended period.

Eventually, the necessity to return to their natural state becomes paramount. The INFP will revert back to their characteristic function stack of Fi, Ne, and Te, aligning once again with their inherent preference for introspection, empathy, and harmonious interactions.

I’d assume many people who join the Crypto revolution are inspired by the same mission: to provide a chance for everyone, I mean, everyone from the planet earth, to to join the global economy system.

I visited India back in 2017 January. I found myself standing in the middle of the Indian banknote demonetization and had no where to get cash. Locals told me that it is very hard to get cash, and everyone must use an payment app (like PayPal, Venmo or WeChat Pay) that links to ones bank account. I survived through credit card and the aiding from some local friends to exchange cash for me. Then I asked my friends: how about people in the slum? How could they create a bank account? (Most people in the slum do not have a residential registration and they cannot have a bank account). My local friends simply said, “they cannot. They could only exchange through black market brokers or they just can’t get money.”

I was shocked. Thought it is the fact that I known for a while that many people around the world does not have an identity card or residential registration, but it never occurs to me on what it will impact on their lives. And the fact that they will never be able to be part of the economic system and trade freely struck me.

Later, when I started to join one of the cryptocurrency exchange and devote my time fully on crypto, researching and following different technology to create a decentralized identity verification process that does not require government data become my passion. WorldCoin’s mission on Proof-of-Personhood stood out so much and I was one of their biggest fan for a while.

Let’s take a step back to understand what is IrisHash and why WorldCoin is promoting this solution.

Why do we need an identity card or passport? Because we cannot just trust each other’s word of saying “I am Nico, daughter of Helen from Taipei. My family is from the east mountain over the rainy sea.” to identity and verify a person’s identity. Any identity card or passport is a certificate issued by governments whom we seen as a trustworthy authority. Usually, each identity certificate will require other form of information or document, for example, a birth certificate, a resident registry that is tied to an address, or other government documentation that can be trusted to say you are who you are.

Let’s go back to the slum situation in India. People in slum do not have birth certificate (because many of them were born in the slum) from the hospital, nor an address to prove their residency (because there’s no address in most slum). India governments have been using more clever process to overcome this challenge, but with the most reason effort, only less than 20% of people in slum could receive an identity card. Without ID, they cannot open an bank account and join the rest of the ecosystem in the society. We need to have a way for anyone who can claim to be themselves and prove they are a unique human being, not the other person. The Biometric data, like DNA.

Each individual has unique irises, even twin cannot have the same iris. Similar to finger print, it can be scanned and compared easily without invasive process, like taking your blood or hair for DNA. Irises are also less likely to be altered due to damages like finger prints, therefore it is a robust information to use for verifying individuals.

Now, let’s move to how WorldCoin generate the Irishash. WorldCoin’s solution is very sophisticated and really value user’s privacy (reference 1). In general, they put in a huge effort to create a mathematical model to allow the scan of each iris will only generate one hash, but it is impossible to reverse the hash information to reconstruct the iris image due to data distortion. Additionally, they design and manufactured a sophisticated iris scan device — The Orb — to ensure the iris image uses to generate the Irishash is detail enough to feed into their model.

I might think too negative on humanity and how data can be used in abusive way. Coming from the content moderation scene, I believe when people are given an anonymous opportunity, some would tend to behave in the most malicious manner. I believe strongly that if Irishash is the most promising solution, then we are putting ourselves in the danger zone of either people are hurting other peoples in the poorer financial status to gain access to more fake identities, or some governments or entities will try to reverse engineer on the information store on IrisHash and really get a full 360 degree monitor to people. The ironic part is that these are the people and the kind of tyrannic structure that everyone works in this blockchain revolution want to over thrown.

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Privacy at Worldcoin: A Technical Deep Dive – Part I. (2023, February 10). WorldCoin Org. https://worldcoin.org/blog/developers/privacy-deep-dive

When it comes to mental safety on the internet versus the freedom of speech, Content Moderation is the target right in the middle. Elon Musk hates it. Most people working in social media likes it. Recently, some people formerly hired by OpenAI came out to tell the public on how many awful content they reviewed to make sure the AI model is and will only learn from the safe contents.

As a person who worked shortly in this field (but very heavily involved in every aspect — from the making of the policy, operationalize it, and make sure every moderator’s mental safety and calibration, etc.), I have to say that we will never be able to get rid of the manual process of content moderation. Here are some reasons:

1. People are AWFUL: let’s be honest. We all know it’s true. We are awful and we all want to make the nasty and gross content when people are not looking. Think of all the creative things people are putting on Telegram — from the horrible Telegram group “Nth Room”, to the latest betting bot to bet who cum first? We are naturally keen on the obscene content. As sad as it sounds, we will always need some sorts of reviewing mechanism to exist, to offer the safety of the viewer. I understand some content are the freedom of speech, but we should also think for the psychological safety for some people who prefer not to damage their eyes and also the psychological development for the next generation, eh?

2. AI or LLM model is not perfect and only human mind is controllable (or have lesser scale of the damage): Think of Skynet. Then think of Genghis Khan or Attila the Hun or Hitler. You know my point now. When it’s a human tyrannic, the impact of the scale and the influence is always less sporadic and takes time to gradually evolve to the point to scare the world. However, when it comes to the evolution or change in technology, it will be exponential and rapid — so fast that it will be cascading to the world before we even aware of the change. Think of the adoption rate on ChatGPT. If we accidentally fed the wrong information to the LLM, they would quickly evolve to something that we could hardly recognize nor control. Before we know, they will either decide that caucasian men should dominate all women and do whatever they want to us, or decide human is a thread and launch a full missile attack to all major cities.

3. Human and our perception itself is a constant evolving project: just over one hundred years ago, women are bound to be at home and no career. Now, we find female CEOs in Fortune 500 companies. Human and culture in itself is a constant evolving organism. It is impossible to toss it to an LLM or AI model and expect they can just move along our ever-changing human mind. The best way is still to let human to decide what human wants; and only human and dictate what we want to include in the next cultural movement.

In conclusion, as much as I hate to disagree with Elon Musk (well, I also disagree with X but what do I know?), I have to say that Content Moderation will exist and the safety for human mind, lays on the hand of human.

Claire versus Nico

Nico

Nico的院子沒有圍牆，每個人都可以闖進來，拼的是看誰有種扎營、住下來，自己爭取成為園丁。成為園丁的人都會緊張兮兮的趕跑外來者，因為每個人都可以自己跑進來，搞的園丁變得緊張兮兮。

Claire

Claire的院子有兩道牆。第一道是正常的後院圍籬，有個garden gate，人可以進來但不是每個人都可以進來。困難的事，第二道牆是沒有橋可以過的護城河。有些勇敢的人會跳到河裡要游過來，但其實河水很深，只有靠高塔公主丟下來的梯子才有辦法上岸。Claire有時候遠遠看到勇敢渡河的勇士，會以為他是王子，就把麻繩編的梯子丟下來；有時候勇士爬上來的時候，Claire才會看清楚王子是青蛙，所以直接把麻繩梯剪斷。每一次剪斷麻繩梯，Claire都要重新花時間把梯子編好，才有辦法再讓下一個勇士爬上來。